Why?
by Summer Lassitude
Summary: Why couldn't I have had somebody? Anybody… Why? Why couldn't it have been different? Why was I so cold all the time? Frozen and shivering… A short oneshot about Near.


**So. You're all (Or those five people I know read my other fanfiction) probably murderous and wondering why I'm posting a Death Note fanfiction when I'm supposed to be working on my Naruto one. Well.**

**Um. It's on Hiatus. Except I forgot to say so. SORRY! I just need to get back into the series. D8 PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! *cowers* I write with the weather though, so I blame it on all the clouds.  
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**But enjoy this really short fanfic that was born when my friend started to get me to stop hating on Near. And unfortunately, it kind of worked. XD But I still love Mello and Matt the most. l8**

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He always was better than me. It was true. Is.

I'm Near. Number one. The cold emotionless one. More freezing than ice.

He is Mello. Number two. The volatile and emotional boy. Brighter than any flame.

_I am sitting in a large chair that seems to dwarf me. No lights are on and the heat is turned off. I curl up as small as I can because it's so dark and cold. So freezing and nobody's ever going to find me. Supposedly my dark eyes give away no emotion, but inside I'm breaking into tiny shards of ice. Save me…_

_ The door slams open and in strides a boy I have only glimpsed before. Light floods the room and everything is so unbearably bright and warm it hurts. This boy looks dangerous and seems to be on fire, all dressed in black and emitting fury. He mumbles something about beating whoever dares to be number one when that's him._

_ I try to sink deeper into the chair, trying to find the accustomed dark and cold, because this boy is so brilliant that there is pain like white hot knives under my skin._

_ But he sees me and offers me a hand. And a smile that drives away any of the cold and darkness left. He asks whether or not I've seen a bastard named Near around. _

_ I whisper no. Because I know he will burn me to ashes once he learns the truth. And I am desperate for the ice around me to melt. Desperately hoping for his warmth._

Mello had everything. I had my mind, but he had genius almost as great, and he also had passion, the ability, and he had love. He had an idol to adore and maybe resent, and he had the best friend life could give, maybe for more than just friendship. Why couldn't I have had somebody? Anybody…

_I'm curled up into a ball again in a dusty and shadowed corner of the kitchen. It's so lonely and cold. I'm shaking, desperately hoping somebody will find me. Please…_

_ Then, the pitter patter of footsteps and the sound of childish laughter. Matt and Mello run into the kitchen, duck in the pantry, then dash back out, arms full of chocolate. The two boys don't notice the splash of forgotten and trembling white that is watching them with pleading eyes. Their presences bring brilliant sunlight to the room. Their faces are carefree and they're laughing oh so happily. Their shouting voices are fading as they try to outrun Roger. Suddenly, they're gone. _

_ And I'm still there, even lonelier and colder than before._

He was like fire, burning brighter than the sun. If he was fire, then I was ice. But whenever I tried to touch the flames, they would destroy me completely. So I sat far away, building towers out of blocks as cold as me to shield me from the world. But I couldn't even cry. The tears would freeze before they could even reach my eyes. Now I'm too used to this freezing cold to even try. Why? Why couldn't it have been different? Why was I so cold all the time? Frozen and shivering…

_I'm looking at Mello's face staring back at me. Violent and emotional blue into frozen and empty black eyes. _

_ I try to say the words, try to voice my hopeless wants of friendship or acknowledgment. All I get is venomous hatred directed back at me. His eyes then switch back to Matt's and they're happy and teasing. Yet again, I am forgotten and ignored._

_ Tremors wrack my body from tears that can't come because I'm not allowed to show emotion and blocks of ice can't cry, and I freeze just a little more. I slowly reach out for a few more blocks to completely prevent the bitter cruelty outside from getting to me._

They died together. I can just imagine Mello and Matt holding hands, leaving me all alone in this barren, empty wasteland they call life. He must be imagining me saying that I've won, but no. I really haven't. Because I can just imagine the years ahead of me. Years of solving meaningless and depressing cases every day, returning to an empty room each night, and only ever having my toys. And I'll have to go on because that's all I know how to do, and I'll freeze even more into the ice. All the while, he will be burning bright in the memories of all that knew him, shining and shining, just far enough so I can't reach, but close enough to still hurt. I will die alone, without a single person to shed a tear for me. Why? Why was I alone? Why, why, why? So so alone…

I_'m already too far gone to cry now. So I just stand in front of their graves that I made sure were next to each other. I really am all alone now. It's impossible for Mello to hate me, impossible for Matt to send a pitying glance my way. I briefly try to conjure up the feeling of sadness, but all I have left is the cold._

_I lay the Matt and Mello finger puppets I used to love on their graves, then turn around and walk away. My toys have never helped me before. They can't save me now. Save me..._

_I leave whatever bits of emotion I had left with them, because there is no point now. No use. Nobody left, nothing left._

_I grow colder than ice with every step I take._

_ Why was I always so alone? _

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_**Erm. Yay? '**

**Review please! I'll give away virtual cookies! 8D  
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